Not everyone needs to have a biography

As I was enjoying a browse through the Public Library, I decided I was in the mood for a biography. Unfortunately, as I walked through the biography section, I had a strange epiphany:

I don’t find people all that interesting.

As I reflected on that horrible thought, I pushed on through and did some more browsing.. I finally settled on a book about Charles Bukowski, which I am looking forward to reading. I then walked through the biography section again and made a list of people whom I wonder why they have a biography anyway? (I hope I used whom correctly. I’ve always had a hard time with that. I guess I may not actually be smarter than a 5^th grader, but I digress).

The following is my “why do they have a biography?”list. Pay close attention, there could be a pop quiz later on.

1. Dale Earnhardt Jr. – Seriously? And this came out a few years ago. He won a few restrictor plate races on his dad’s race team. That program dried up, and now we see him for the overrated driver he is. Good for teaching people it's not who you are as a person, it's what your last name is.

2. David Wells – Drunken buffoon pitches perfect game. Goes and gets drunk. That’s not a sports hero. Just a one trick pony who got bounced around from team to team in MLB for a few years, and (hopefully) has called it a career. Hey, at least it's not steroids!

3. Artie Lange – Howard Stern sidekick who snorted cocaine, co-wrote some seriously un-funny movies, and continues to abuse drugs and alcohol. I'm surprised this one isn't required reading in schools.

4. Ivana Trump – Married a rich guy, and now designs clothing that most people can’t afford. Good for people with self-esteem issues.

5. Vanna White – Flips letters on game show, posed nude.Still flipping letters on a game show. Good for R L S T N E.

6. David Beckham – Overrated soccer player who married a woman made out of plastic.Good for telling you what you want, what you really really want.

7. Ric Flair – Multi champion of a fake sport who almost thought that this warranted him candidacy of Governor. Good for having an excuse to shout "WHOOOO" at random.

8. Adolf Hitler – Seriously? We all know what he did. I think these books are around solely for teenage boys who look for an excuse to hate someone due to their choice of religion or ethnic status. Good for showing that not everyone gets away with stupidity.

9. Jim McMahon – Overrated quarterback who rode the coat tails of his defense and running back to a super bowl title. Jake Delhomme’s mentor. Good for showing people why headbands should be banned.

10. Whoopie Goldberg – Center square on Hollywood squares has to account for something, I guess. Good for those who like others to form their opinions for them.

11. Bo Jackson - Bo Knows Baseball, Bo Knows Football. Bo now knows that popping his hip back in place is a bonehead move.. Then again, he played for the Raiders, so go figure. Good for a chuckle.

12. Latoya Jackson – What exactly has she done besides take the freak crown from Michael for a couple of months back in the 80s? The more I think of that, the more intrigued I become. I may have to read that one after all.

13. Clay Aiken – Too many punch lines, too little time. Next.

14. Tom Cruise – I bet his was co-written by L. Ron Hubbard. Good for showing that "thetans" trump a Napoleon complex any day.

I’m sure that there are many more unnecessary biographies on the market, but there are only so many hours in the day, and the Wilkes County public library isn't all that impressive.

I dread the day when another desperate ploy for attention known as a “revelation” happens. If anyone really cares about Mackenzie Phillips’ latest “shocker,” please seek help immediately.

And one more thing, I am going to write to my congressman to push for a bill so that if someone buys the inevitable "Jon and Kate" or "Octomom" biography to be banned from all social functions.

goodnight, and have a pleasant tomorrow.