Monday, October 19, 2009

The boyhood dream III, the phantom semicolon

October 18, 2009 arrived. Kevin, Tyler and I were on our way to the Bobcats arena to see Metallica.

We made it to the venue early. We walked around the arena a couple of times and observed an interesting cast of characters along the way. Metallica brings out all kinds. It was quite a diverse crowd. In the end, the crowd wound up being a good crowd. Sitting in a crowd of over 20,000 people can have its ups and downs.

The first opening act played, and were mediocre. The interesting part of the show is that we were sitting right above where the bands come from the dressing room to the stage. We could also look in the one foot gaps between the rows of seats and see a glimpse of backstage. James Hetfield (Guitar, Vocals) of Metallica went out to watch the opening band. The whole "WOW, MY HERO IS ABOUT 20 FEET AWAY FROM ME" feeling didn't get past me. However, when I saw people crowding by yelling for him, I felt kind of bad for him. He wasn't bothered though. He had them tuned out (can you blame him?). He was enjoying himself. He was playing air-guitar, and air-drums. Sometimes both at the same time. To quote Tyler, "It's ironic that he's the guy you wouldn't want to sit next to at a Metallica concert."

The second band was awful, and I will say no more than that.

I can't remember a longer intermission.

The lights go down, and Metallica hit the stage. It seems like two hours between the two. Once they hit the stage, I went back to being 12 years old. New stuff, old stuff, pyros, a light show, the light rigs were set up to look like the album cover of their new album, and they raise and lower, Lars has ADD it seems. He finishes a song, runs around the stage, the stage is in the center with microphones placed around the edges so the band can play straight to different sections while the drum set slowly rotates to do a 360 during the course of the show. An encore of songs from their very first albums. THE FOUR HORSEMEN, 18 songs from 7 albums.

Metallica has really gotten it together. As loud and aggressive of a show, the stage banter was in such a positive manner. James was talking how great it is to be alive, got a show of hands of the first timers at a Metallica show and welcomed them to the family, thanked the fans for getting them through. I couldn't believe how much positive energy was flowing off the stage. Especially for a Metallica concert. AND IT WASN'T A BAD THING!

I had made the mistake of thinking that I had missed Metallica at their prime. I couldn't be farther from the truth. They sounded better than any live show I've ever heard on CD or seen on video. If they haven't yet hit their prime, I'm going to have to strap myself to the seat with a seat belt the next time I go.

A boyhood dream come true.

(This final installment was a bit rushed because it's almost time for House, and then the Chargers game. That, and I probably spent too long on the last 2. Oh well.)

A boyhood dream fulfilled part 2, the buildup, the delivery, and at least one subtle reference to something way off subject.

The following blog is commentary on being a Metallica fan from the years 1991-2008. They are the author's opinion. The author's opinion may differ from yours. If that's the case, don't worry about it! It's a good thing! Could you imagine how boring society would be if we all agreed with one another?




I was in the Navy, stationed in Hawaii when Load came out. I was all excited when I picked up my copy and and got back to the barracks to put it in my CD player. I opened it up, looked at the cover, and thought, "did I accidentally purchase on accident a copy of a CD from another band called Metallica who dresses in drag?" To make a long story short, my feelings were very much hurt when I found out that Metallica had put out a terrible album called Load. I looked on the other side of the cover thinking I would see "of crap" wrapped around the back.

To make things worse, they released "Re-Load" a year and a half later. Fool me twice? Not exactly. I to this day still haven't heard that album. Reading the tracklist took away the last shred of temptation to at least give it a try. I mean, "Unforgiven II?" Songs have sequels? Albums have sequels? Who are they trying to be, Meat Loaf?

Years went by, and Lars sued Napster to stop freeloaders (thanks, bro), The band filmed their therapy session and released it in theaters (shame? anyone? anything for a buck?). Then they put out another horrible sounding album that I am still guilty of giving a try (however, I didn't buy it. The buyer, whose name I won't mention didn't want me to give it back to him though). Wow. How can a band make such a pile of dung. No guitar solos! That, and a dominant snare drum made for a terrible self-indulgence piece for Lars Ulrich.

Well,

During the making of the previously mentioned album, Metallica decided to clean up their act. Alcohol, drugs, etc. were all gone. I was happy to see that. They looked healthier and seemed to have their personal lives straightened out. Looking at them as human beings (how many people actually do that?), I was happy for them.

2008 came and I heard that Metallica was coming out with a new album produced by Rick Rubin. Rick Rubin has produced some great albums, and helped revive Johnny Cash's career, among other things.

The album came out, and I reluctantly gave it a try. It had "Unforgiven III" on the track listing. Were they trying to form a trilogy of Unforgiven? That almost killed the deal. Boy, am I glad I didn't ignore that album.

I downloaded the mp3 version of the album , and put it on the iPod. As I was on my way home from the house of who now is my wife, I was stunned. IT IS A GREAT ALBUM! Even "Unforgiven III" is good! Metallica is back!

The Worldwide Magnetic tour began, and the first leg didn't come around the Carolinas. But one day in February of 2008, my dear friend Kevin said, "Metallica's coming to Charlotte in October, do you want to go?"

Tickets were bought, and we were going to see Metallica in October.

Irrelevant content: Jon, Kate, Octomom, and the parents of the balloon boy in Colorado should all have to go in a balloon to a faraway deserted island and start their own pretend "reality" show in which no news or any form of media are nowhere near.

A boyhood dream fulfilled part 1, Background

When I was around eight years old, I was introduced to a sound I had never heard before that flipped my life on its head. It was the sound of Black Sabbath.

(If you are one of those judgmental types that dismisses heavy metal music as "devil music," I suggest you read no further. You may find yourself disappointed to see that heavy metal music for the most part is not "of the devil.")

But anyway, I first heard Black Sabbath when the tag team duo, The Road Warriors would run out to the ring (back in the NWA days), and demolish their opponents at an average rate of 3.5 seconds. Then, after a bunch of talk about the entrance music, I was given the opportunity to listen to the song "Iron Man," and the rest of the Black Sabbath album (yep, vinyl (which still rules by the way)) Paranoid.

Before this, I was on a steady diet of classic country and bluegrass (which I still listen to today). Black Sabbath was a gateway to Metallica, who I started listening to when I was 10.

Garage Days, Re-Revisited was the first Metallica I heard. It was $5.98, and I was able to muster up enough willpower to save my 1 dollar a week allowance to purchase the cassette. My parents rewarded my perseverance by paying the sales tax, as well as the record store markup (stupid Record Bar at the mall... there are people who still work there from back when I was a kid, but I digress... but seriously, ambition?)

Anyway, it was worth every penny. And Justice For All came out on August 25, 1988, when I was 12. To this day, I can't think of anything I have listened to more. That cassette was played more times than (I tried to think of a witty remark here but failed). It was played every day straight for at least two years.

Well, the 90s, and the first part of the 2000s weren't quite good for my heroes in Metallica. If you play the self-titled (black album) Metallica released in 1991, you can hear foreshadowing of the Mediocretallica to Craptallica years to come.

(To be continued, but for those who can't obviously see where I'm going with this, scroll down to read the spoiler)




















































almost there
























































































just about it






























SPOILER: I went to see Metallica and it was one of the best shows I have ever seen.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Where are they now, part 1, The Encyclopedia Britannica Kid


Part 1, The encyclopedia Britannica kid.

The encyclopedia Britannica kid. These commercials aired in 1991, and were about this nerdy blond head kid with glasses and a mullet. Those around my age are sure to remember. If not, I have provided a link below:

http://www.retrojunk.com/details_commercial/21/ Watch the clip and get re-familiarized with this atrocity.

Doesn’t it still make your skin crawl? There is an earlier one that is even more annoying, but I wasn’t able to find it in time for my self-imposed deadline. (read: too lazy)

Well, he got a B+ for a report going long on the subject of space. He then turned around and made an A on a report on the human body. The irony of this will be discussed later on. Just notice the excitement he seems to have while flipping through the transparent pages of the human anatomy. But again, we’ll get back to that later.

After extended research, the guy’s name is Donovan Freberg. He was also voice over actor on “The Littles” from 1983-1984. He was born in 1971, so that made him 12 and 13 when he voiced a character on The Littles. “What’s the significance, I DON’T KNOW!” (To quote Pee Wee Herman when he had that meeting in his basement after his bike got stolen in Big Adventure).

However, he was 20 years old when the Encyclopedia Britannica commercials were made. In this commercial, he referred to himself as a kid, which leads me to believe that he was portraying a high school student. Notice the rudeness and arrogance of his character. All I know is that if I was 20 years old, and still in high school, I’d try to show a little more humility. That's being said without the whole suspension of disbelief mess.

In 1999, all of a sudden, his voice acting career came to an end.

Where is he now?

According to research, he is now a blogger. Not only is he a blogger, but apparently posts a lot of pornographic images on his blog. That strikes me as kind of creepy, but a little bit funny. DUE TO THE PORNOGRAPHIC CONTENT, I AM NOT GOING ANYWHERE NEAR THAT BLOG, but if you think back to where I wrote about his excitement flipping through the transparent pictures of the human body, it probably led to a National Geographic infatuation, which led to a full on pornography obsession.

This leads me to believe that transparent photos of the human anatomy (even though they are drawings) are a gateway to being a perv. Parents must supervise their children’s usage of the human anatomy section of any encyclopedia, and should take their child’s interest in a subscription to National Geographic magazine as a warning sign.

Honestly, who would have thought that Encyclopedias were a gateway?

19 years later, and not only is the Britannica kid still most likely annoying, but he’s a perv to boot.

Thank God Al Gore saved us from a lot of these commercials by inventing the Internet. Speaking of internet, my research came from Google, Yahoo, and (not taken too seriously) Wikipedia.


Run along now,

MSJ

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Not everyone needs to have a biography

As I was enjoying a browse through the Public Library, I decided I was in the mood for a biography. Unfortunately, as I walked through the biography section, I had a strange epiphany:

I don’t find people all that interesting.


As I reflected on that horrible thought, I pushed on through and did some more browsing.. I finally settled on a book about Charles Bukowski, which I am looking forward to reading. I then walked through the biography section again and made a list of people whom I wonder why they have a biography anyway? (I hope I used whom correctly. I’ve always had a hard time with that. I guess I may not actually be smarter than a 5th grader, but I digress).

The following is my “why do they have a biography?”list. Pay close attention, there could be a pop quiz later on.

1. Dale Earnhardt Jr. – Seriously? And this came out a few years ago. He won a few restrictor plate races on his dad’s race team. That program dried up, and now we see him for the overrated driver he is. Good for teaching people it's not who you are as a person, it's what your last name is.

2. David Wells – Drunken buffoon pitches perfect game. Goes and gets drunk. That’s not a sports hero. Just a one trick pony who got bounced around from team to team in MLB for a few years, and (hopefully) has called it a career. Hey, at least it's not steroids!

3. Artie Lange – Howard Stern sidekick who snorted cocaine, co-wrote some seriously un-funny movies, and continues to abuse drugs and alcohol. I'm surprised this one isn't required reading in schools.

4. Ivana Trump – Married a rich guy, and now designs clothing that most people can’t afford. Good for people with self-esteem issues.

5. Vanna White – Flips letters on game show, posed nude.Still flipping letters on a game show. Good for R L S T N E.

6. David Beckham – Overrated soccer player who married a woman made out of plastic.Good for telling you what you want, what you really really want.

7. Ric Flair – Multi champion of a fake sport who almost thought that this warranted him candidacy of Governor. Good for having an excuse to shout "WHOOOO" at random.

8. Adolf Hitler – Seriously? We all know what he did. I think these books are around solely for teenage boys who look for an excuse to hate someone due to their choice of religion or ethnic status. Good for showing that not everyone gets away with stupidity.

9. Jim McMahon – Overrated quarterback who rode the coat tails of his defense and running back to a super bowl title. Jake Delhomme’s mentor. Good for showing people why headbands should be banned.

10. Whoopie Goldberg – Center square on Hollywood squares has to account for something, I guess. Good for those who like others to form their opinions for them.

11. Bo Jackson - Bo Knows Baseball, Bo Knows Football. Bo now knows that popping his hip back in place is a bonehead move.. Then again, he played for the Raiders, so go figure. Good for a chuckle.

12. Latoya Jackson – What exactly has she done besides take the freak crown from Michael for a couple of months back in the 80s? The more I think of that, the more intrigued I become. I may have to read that one after all.

13. Clay Aiken – Too many punch lines, too little time. Next.

14. Tom Cruise – I bet his was co-written by L. Ron Hubbard. Good for showing that "thetans" trump a Napoleon complex any day.

I’m sure that there are many more unnecessary biographies on the market, but there are only so many hours in the day, and the Wilkes County public library isn't all that impressive.

I dread the day when another desperate ploy for attention known as a “revelation” happens. If anyone really cares about Mackenzie Phillips’ latest “shocker,” please seek help immediately.


And one more thing, I am going to write to my congressman to push for a bill so that if someone buys the inevitable "Jon and Kate" or "Octomom" biography to be banned from all social functions.


goodnight, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Friday, October 9, 2009

All talk and no walk, Mark's plan to win the Nobel Prize

Will get you the Nobel Peace prize.

I'm going to officially announce my candidacy for the 2010 Nobel Peace prize.

I plan to do the following:

1. Close down Alcatraz and free the prisoners who have been unfairly oppressed.

2. Announce a cash for Mopeds program. It is unfair to those who drove drunk to be riding
around on scooters that only go 25MPH. For each scooter that goes 25mph or slower, we will
give a free moped and 8,000 cash.

3. I plan to socialize society. I will have cliques of equal parts geeks, jocks, cheerleaders, popular
kids, freaks, weirdos, and at least one goth who wears makeup and cuts themselves.

4. I will start a generic catch phrase, "You dad gum right."

5. I will launch a 125,333 trillion dollar "stimulus package." However, it won't affect the common person, or those who really need some cash. However, once the bill arrives, I'll let you help pay it back.

6. When I'm supposed to be doing something, I am going to be heavily campaigning to bring the 2020 Olympics to Wilkesboro, NC.

7. I am going to realize the irony of calling Kanye West a "jackass."

This year, I plan to be all talk. Don't worry about my 6 points, (well, maybe 5. That "stimulus package" has to be paid back somehow).

In the meantime, I'm going to clear some room on my shelf for my prize.

Easily amused

I have decided to change gears on this blog. Married life is still awesome, but the whole idea of this being a newlywed blog has started to seem a bit on the corny side. But then again, with a wife like mine, you'd be corny too. She is the best wife ever.

So anyway,

Its 4:25am, and I'm drawing a blank. If you wasted your time reading this, allow me to point my finger and laugh.